The ‘Desk’ Jockey’s Big 16

Complexities of an Office Worker

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Everyone wants to believe they have a fun, easy-going personality and can get along with anyone. If you’ve ever worked in a busy office, particularly a cubicle farm, you know it can be an interesting journey… especially if you’ve got a decade or two of “the experience” under your belt.

I’ve written about 16 comical pet peeves and personality types you may have dealt with, or are currently experiencing.

1.  Pot Suckers: These are the cheap, shameless coworkers who attend your office Pot Lucks, who SUCK. They don’t bring a dish to share.  Even worse, some of these Pot Suckers actually bring leftover 2-day old coleslaw or a hardened-noodle dish, as if we can’t tell it’s been partially dug into and eaten already by their family members.  They make their way through the buffet line pretending to be “incognito,” but we know who you are!  You’re a Pot Sucker.

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2.  ‘Ho’ Down the Fort: These chicks will strut around the office throughout one’s  career. They dress way too provocative for work. Men may not mind (duh), but career-dressed women usually dislike these types.  “Did she wear that clubbing last night, and this is her walk-of-shame outfit for work?”  You’ll never know.  Honestly, she might not even be a ho, but fo’ sho,’ she dresses too sexy for her job.

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3.  Secret Poopers: These folks like to poop where they don’t belong. It’s not a secret that we all poop.  The problem with secret poopers is that they purposely use a different floor’s restroom to avoid being seen (or heard- yuck) by their coworkers.  It’s whack. They’re technically getting paid to poop since it’s happening during work hours, so it should be in their office’s designated bathroom. Own up to your poop.  #poopdupe

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4.  Lunchroom Slobs: These are the coffee mess/kitchenette pigs we all dread sharing a common space with.  It makes us think, “I wonder what their house looks like inside… Gross.”  These folks don’t clean up after themselves.  The microwave clock is never set back to its rightful place of “zero.”  Their food is often times left to mold in the refrigerator, and they leave their dirty dishes “soaking” in the sink as an added bonus.

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5.  Productivity Slayers: Envision this scene- You’re feeling productive, and trying to get a project done before lunchtime when BOOM! The stench of a huge whale carcass knocks you down in your cubicle.  You want to gag from the obnoxious landfill odor, but then it dawns on you:  “Who the heck is heating up leftover FISH in the microwave?!”

Additionally, burning microwavable popcorn stinks like smelly feet, and is also a productivity killer. Please, just don’t.

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6.  Sexy Grannies: This is an older woman who thinks she’s hot but unfortunately no one else does. They’re the sexy seniors that parade around the office who need “let go.”  Orange-glowing self-tanner and lots of cleavage are not hip once you’ve qualified for discounted meals at the Cracker Barrel. Your day has come and gone. It’s time to pass the torch, sexy granny.

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7.  Speed Bumps: Just as it sounds – they’re like a bump in the road that slows you down.  They provide no real benefit in getting work done.  If anything, they’re in the way.  Heck, they’re in their “own” way.  Some Speed Bumps are better known as a T.W.A.T. (a person who doesn’t work Monday or Friday – only Tue Wed And Thu).

By the time an accomplished worker clocks out for the day, he/she feels like they’ve been hit over the head with a heavy metal object. They’re dumbfounded at the Speed Bump’s laziness.  “AIN’T CRAZY ABOUT LAZY!”

 

8.  Oversharing Oddballs: These are the bizarre people who stop by your cubicle to share way too much of their personal business.  For example:  Sally stopped by to inform you of her killer yeast infection, and chronic constipation she’s dealing with.  You barely know Sally yet she feels comfortable asking if you suffer with constipation… and if so, what laxatives are you using?

WAIT.  WHAT?  …It’s only okay to talk about vagina problems or constipation with coworker “friends,” not acquaintances.

I had a personal experience with an oddball who used to share a cubicle with me.  Even on a good day, I was never fond of his overgrown chia-pet-like chest hair that popped out of his dress shirts.  One day he asked what my favorite holiday was, and I told him it was Halloween.  OH-MY-GOSH!  Shut the front door!  That little man told me about his haunted house, and how he dressed up in a gimp suit and chased his victims around the garage.  For months I felt tortured by those hideous images of him running around in tight leather pants and a zip-up face mask.  No matter how professional he was after that story, all I envisioned (and heard was), “I’m a furry-chested gimp at night.”  ……… “IT AIN’T FAIR TO OVERSHARE!”

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9.  Dirty Handlers: This office worker leaves the bathroom without washing his/her hands.  OH, HELL NO.  Men might not be fanatical about this, but office women will track that female down based solely on her visible shoes under the stall door.  It’s like an airborne disease.  Once the “hand-washing” woman tells her “hand washing” girlfriends, it’s all over for Ms. Dirty Hands. No one will ever eat the desserts she brings in, or her pot luck dishes… and she won’t be invited to any office girlfriend lunch outings either.

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10.  OG’s: Oh, here he comes… dressed in his 1970s brown attire. He doesn’t care that he looks like a human version of the Charlie Brown cartoon character…  Nope.  He’s a part of the OG posse.  The OG thrives on his past accomplishments and accolades, but provides little value in his current job as he nears retirement.  These people merely “exist” in the workplace, taking up space.  They also enjoy talking about the many vacations they’ve taken throughout the year because they’re big pimpin’ until they’re gone…. for good.   An OG can be male or female.

 

11.  Germ Spreaders: Watch out for these coworkers!  They drag their sickly selves into work for your “convenience.”  He/she sits in their cubicle hacking up a lung all day, and blowing their nose until it sounds like a horn going off in the office. Some even snort back phlegm, then swallow or spit into their trash can.

A small piece of a healthy coworker’s soul dies inside every time they hear these bodily noises.  Repeatedly, people will tell the ill worker to go home but they refuse.  After all, they’re in the office to “save the day” by doing minimal work between gagging, snorting and coughing. “Yes! I’d love to catch the flu,” said NO ONE ever.  Go home and rest.  “YOUR VIRUS AIN’T DESIRIOUS!”

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12.  Opinionators: These know-it-all’s can’t help themselves. They’ve got an opinion about everything, and they’re usually negative people. It doesn’t matter if it’s about work or personal affairs; they’ve got something to say.  A coworker could be talking about the crazy weather with other coworkers when the “Opinionator” from two cube aisles down suddenly chimes in with, “No! I disagree! I think it’s been unseasonably hot this year.”  What these folks really need is a nice tall glass of Shut-The-Hell-Up.

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13.  Lord Farquaads: You can recognize this jerk from a mile away. He sits up high on his make-believe horse, and he’s just galloped over to your cubicle to grace you with his presence.  His hair is over-gelled, nice and stiff. He thinks he’s every woman’s dream-come-true, but he’s really a Lord Farquaad… who can’t take a hint.  Be prepared, ladies!  He’s also marinated in some overpowering cologne.

 

14. Loud & Proud:  Dang, dude… Are you a “smoke detector?”  ‘Cuz you’re really freaking LOUD and ANNOYING.

These folks want everyone to be a part of their exciting workday!  The louder, the better. Every conference call is implemented via speaker phone from their cubicle.  Coworkers are forced to listen to every bit of their chatter throughout the day.  It’s uncertain if these folks realize they’re obnoxiously loud, or if they just want to sound important.  “HOW ABOUT TONING IT DOWN A NOTCH, SKID ROW?”

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15. The Triple Threat: The Triple Threat is a scary experience, particularly if you’re an amateur.  It’s a clique of 3 – 5 office females, and they’re more than just “coworking girlfriends.” They’re (1) favored, (2) gossiping (3) mean girls. Men and women can be affected by this mini-Mafia, but typically insecure females struggle the most.

If you’re a secret pooper, dirty handler, speed bump, Opinionator, or OG, you’re in for a rude awakening by this chick clique.  Think of it as the cougar version of Mean Girls (the movie).

 

16. Office Scroungers:  Imagine this scenario- You left work for the day and everything looked fine. Your chair was tucked in, and your desk looked tidy. You head into the office the following morning, and notice your seat has been replaced with an old dusty 1960s chair you spotted earlier that month in the recycling “hallway.”  You’ll never know who did it!   THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

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Also, on any given occasion an office worker may find their scissors, tape dispenser, or stapler has disappeared… never to be seen again.  Apparently, its wandered off to Staple’s Land of Misfit Office Goodies… but there is no rescue.

The office worker feels pissed, and it makes he/she feel as if they’re back in grade school. “Who the hell would steal my scissors?!!  Don’t they know I need those for the annual holiday door decorating contest?!”

Nobody wants to look like Milton on Office Space, walking around asking your coworkers about your missing stapler.

 

Thanks for reading!  If this blog made you smile, please share to spread the laughter 🙂

Author: melissaannsite

I'm a 40-something year old woman who has lived a life of adventure so far. I'm an ENFP Virgo with no judgment in my heart on others. Everyone is entitled to live their life as they wish, but I still enjoy the humor that life has to offer... and the memories.

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